Filmed in front of a live studio audience

“We’re a big hit.” “With the machine!”


Well good afternoon lovelies. It’s pissing down where I am. I hope the weather with you (copyright Crowded House) is suiting your mood. God it’s hard to be pissed off in the sunshine.

So we’re back on Wednesday. A long sleep-in after the quiz. (Well, a long sleep in after getting the bus home, missing my stop, walking back from Tolworth, making 4 slices of toast and peanut butter and watching The Simpsons on Disney Plus, anyway). Didn’t arise til gone noon. Claire was at work on the phone and I mooched about charging phones and laptops and sorting out dead cat insurance. (Don’t ask).

Today is a weird one. Once again, like exactly a week ago, you find me in The Surbiton Grind. I have had my second latte and my bacon/tomato/cheese tommy-toe toastie. (That really is a great sketch). (Clover? I’d like to have this man put down please…). One of Hugh Laurie’s exasperated best. Claire loves it too so we quote it a lot. Cancey Wancey? Killy-chum-chums? You have to know it.

So I’ve had a somewhat productive day so far as I hoped I would. Unpack the laptop and brought up the FINAL video recorded at the Crack Comedy Club in Kingston last Monday. Christ seems an age ago. Opened up my marvellously useful Movavi Editing software and got busy.

Main job was to edit the opening so it starts with me and some titles. Easy enough. Edit out any long gaping gaps of nothing (thankfully none to speak of). Add a fade at the end so it closes on the sound of laughs. Peasy. Adjust filters to make it grainy black and white. For no reason but it amuses me. And I think avoids the glaring over-saturation of the iPhone 13 Pro and all its high-def detail. And then try and edit BACK IN the “testicular cancer” joke from another night neatly so the build up gets the right response. Whole thing took an hour. And it runs about 7mins.

Blimey though. Once you start seeing how easy it is to edit laughs, increase their volume, cut and paste them into areas that didn’t get as big a laugh as you wanted, you can see how simple it is to make ANY show sound like a Robin Williams LIVE screaming laugh riot. Avoided this temptation of course. Because blimey, where would it end?

So it’s now done. Ready. Uploaded. If you’re interested, it’s here:

I think it’s okay. I mean the laughs are there. I hit all the lines. The recording works. The cut from one set to another for the joke that got “lost” isn’t too jarring. Quite like it actually. Gives the impression of a concert film made over a series of sell out nights.

But what now? Well I suppose the ONLY thing to do next would be to get on to some kind of “find an open spot in England” website/facebook page and start contacting clubs.

A-ha! I did infact get a Facebook alert this morning from the Phoenix Hostelry, London NW1 saying there are 5 minute “bringer” spots this Sunday. 5.15pm start, early finish.

“Comedy’s a night time thing, Stan. You can’t be funny in the daytime. That’s why there are no dayclubs. Only nightclubs.” Mr Saturday Night

Hmn. Now Erich didn’t say DON’T do bringer gigs. (Reminder: bringer gigs require you to have an entourage with you to ensure full seats and drink ordering). But he did say “beware them” as they are becoming more and more common. But I shall swerve it as I’d rather not, it’s the last day of my holiday, no-body would come with me and…like that.

In scrolling through the “London Stand Up Circuit” Facebook page however, theres does appear to be a an actual world out there. “Comics wanted/spots needed/paid tens/new club openings/call now/phone for a spot…” Which, as you would imagine, fills me with utter glee and a squirming stomach dread. God I feel more nervous reading those requests than I did about to go on stage last Monday. Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway? That’s what they say.

I downloaded that book once. Used it as motivational chutzpah on my 5k walks I would do daily. This was a month or 2 ago when the first itchings of “self improvement” were scuttling about my nipples. It’s a great book. I remember nothing about it. But then as ever, that’s because I didn’t read it properly. One is meant to write things down and pin things up and have mantras and diaries and things. And me being me, I just ploughed on. Nice ideas. But, as always, because I didn’t commit to to the program fully, it all fell away.

It’s ten to four now. I have to be home by 7pm for an early dinner. I have my gym kit. I expect I will go, but I’m not feeling it.

Another latte. Yum. Well the FB posting of the act is already causing “likes” and “lols” from my adoring group. Aren’t people sweet.

So. What next. Well I am torn between updating my CV to start seeing what’s out there in the world of work, before I finally turn 50 and people start putting my application under the “awright Grandad, nice try. Have a Werthers and sit down,” column. Is there anything more painful than the line by line CV update? Having to self-promote and use ghastly business speak about being solution oriented? Decision focused, aware of Cost Benefit Analysis and Learning Needs Analysis processes? Well it’s the price we pay I suppose.

Although, was it not last night when I had a though about a Pub Quiz company? I mean…how would that work? Am going to spend 5 mins now seeing if such things exist…

Well nothing jumps out. There are companies that act as “middle men” for professional entertainers. These include DJs and PhotoBooths and Magicians and Corporate Entertainment etc. But it all looks very sparkly waistcoats, expensive PA equipment, Vans and Marquees. Not quite me really. Then there’s a co. called Most of it seems corporate and virtual. But given the cost of printing and transport, it’s difficult to imagine you could get an ACTUAL person to show up with a bespoke quiz, buzzers, pens etc to YOUR pub and run 2.5hrs of entertainment for less than £100? Can’t it? Am I being thick? I mean fuckadeedoo, printing costs alone for 15 teams would run into the 20-30-40 quid? Oh I don’t know.

Man this third latte is kicking my ass. My body is asleep but my eyes are wide. Weird. Do I want to look into this as a thing? Or just hope, as has happened so far, that word of mouth happens? I could email all the landlords in the 26 pubs in Kingston/Surbiton alone. Hmm. Food for thought perhaps. Surely they’d rather deal with a one-off than an expensive agency? Or not. Oh I don’t know.

And it’s now half past 4 so If I’m going to gym, it better be now. What happened to updating my CV? Oh one thing at a time.

More soon xxx

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